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Author Topic: ***The Official CRS Joke Thread***  (Read 17413 times)
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« Reply #195 on: May 15, 2019, 04:49:08 AM »

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« Reply #196 on: May 15, 2019, 05:28:43 AM »



Oh we need to get you one of those shirts, 2. 
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« Reply #197 on: May 15, 2019, 05:31:09 AM »



Oh we need to get you one of those shirts, 2. 

I'm on it.  Cool
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« Reply #198 on: May 29, 2019, 02:27:30 PM »

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says f**k  you, you don't have the b*lls to pull the trigger."
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« Reply #199 on: May 29, 2019, 02:38:54 PM »

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says f**k  you, you don't have the b*lls to pull the trigger."
Laughing Laughing Laughing  Funny, but are you sure that is a joke and not an example of real events from days gone by?

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« Reply #200 on: June 10, 2019, 04:08:38 PM »

A wife got so angry at her husband that she packed all of his stuff and told him to GET OUT!

On his way out she said, I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

He stopped, turned around and asked, "So do you want me to stay now?"
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« Reply #201 on: June 28, 2019, 01:24:14 PM »

Sunday Sex
 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie immediately went to her 95-year-old grandmother's house to comfort her. When Katie inquired as to the granddad's cause of death, her grandmother replied, "He died while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie responded that two people in their late 90's having sex might surely be asking for (medical) trouble!" Grandpa WAS 99!
 "Oh no, my dear," grandma went on to say, "years back we decided -- considering our advanced ages -- it would be the safest to have sex on Sunday mornings when the church bells rang." She continued, "The church bells are slow and actually create a good rhythm -- in on the 'ding', and out on the 'dong.'" She paused to grab a Kleenex for a bit of a sniffle and to wipe new tears from her eyes. "He'd probably still be alive if that Ice Cream truck hadn't come along!"
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #202 on: June 29, 2019, 04:30:30 AM »

Sunday Sex
 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie immediately went to her 95-year-old grandmother's house to comfort her. When Katie inquired as to the granddad's cause of death, her grandmother replied, "He died while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie responded that two people in their late 90's having sex might surely be asking for (medical) trouble!" Grandpa WAS 99!
 "Oh no, my dear," grandma went on to say, "years back we decided -- considering our advanced ages -- it would be the safest to have sex on Sunday mornings when the church bells rang." She continued, "The church bells are slow and actually create a good rhythm -- in on the 'ding', and out on the 'dong.'" She paused to grab a Kleenex for a bit of a sniffle and to wipe new tears from her eyes. "He'd probably still be alive if that Ice Cream truck hadn't come along!"

 Laughing Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #203 on: July 13, 2019, 10:05:07 AM »

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
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« Reply #204 on: July 13, 2019, 07:04:41 PM »

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
Laughing Laughing

I know some nun jokes, but we can't print them.

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« Reply #205 on: July 13, 2019, 07:06:39 PM »

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
Laughing Laughing

I know some nun jokes, but we can't print them.

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I know. This is the cleanest one I've seen. 
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« Reply #206 on: July 13, 2019, 11:17:15 PM »

If you like "Dad" jokes, here is one that my 11 y/o son claims he made up...

What kind of party did the bison go to?
















A BISONteniel party!


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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #207 on: July 14, 2019, 05:05:53 AM »

If you like "Dad" jokes, here is one that my 11 y/o son claims he made up...

What kind of party did the bison go to?
















A BISONteniel party!




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Chechem
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« Reply #208 on: July 14, 2019, 05:50:22 AM »

If you like "Dad" jokes, here is one that my 11 y/o son claims he made up...

What kind of party did the bison go to?

A BISONteniel party!






 

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« Reply #209 on: July 15, 2019, 06:53:19 PM »

One day when ex President Clinton returned from a trip to Arkansas he disembarked the presidential helicopter on the White House lawn leading a razorback pig on a leash down the gangway. The Marine Honor Guard saluted the president and smartly replied "Welcome back Sir". President Clinton said to the Marine "Do you know what I have here?" The Marine replied "Yes Sir, a Pig Sir". President Clinton replied "this is not just any pig, this is an Arkansas Razorback Pig that I got for Hillary". The Marine replied "Good trade Sir".
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