***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[N.AL-Tider]

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss is unsure, but he likes the kid and figures he'll give him a shot.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The next day is a Friday, and after the store is locked up, the boss comes down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

"Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20-to-30 customers a day. That'll have to change, and soon, if you want to keep your job here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."

The kid takes his beating but continues looking at his shoes, so the boss feels kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asks, "So, how much was your one sale for?"

"One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven dollars and sixty-five cents."

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

"Well, first I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said, 'Down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris-Craft and trailer. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

"A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should just go fishing.'"

[N.AL-Tider]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man ( about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[N.AL-Tider]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[N.AL-Tider]

A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, ! and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our ba**s for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that.

[2Stater]

A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, ! and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our ba**s for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that.

Oldie but goody!!! 

[N.AL-Tider]

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Which leaves 129 million to do the work

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your butt,
At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[N.AL-Tider]

A guy finds a genie lamp, rubs it, and the genie comes out "You will get 3 wishes, but be forewarned your neighbor will get double of what you wish for"

Okay okay, the guy said

First wish? "I'd like to have a big beautiful mansion. Poof, it happened. But when he looked at his neighbors house it was twice as big and handsome.

Second wish? "I'd like to have 10 of the prettiest women in the world". Poof, it happened, but his neighbor had 20 even more gorgeous women.

The man was now very mad.

Third wish? The man smiled like the devil and said, "I'd like to lose a ball"

[N.AL-Tider]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[Chechem]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[N.AL-Tider]

A man dies and goes to Hell.  There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour."

"And the devil?"

The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."

[N.AL-Tider]

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

[2Stater]

A man dies and goes to Hell.  There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour."

"And the devil?"

The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."

 

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

That would be funnier if it weren't likely true... 

[2Stater]

What's the difference between the Abu Dhabi and the Kuwaitis?

The Kuwaitis don't like the Flintstones. The Abu Dhabi do.

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