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Author Topic: ***The Official CRS Joke Thread***  (Read 199050 times)
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« Reply #540 on: April 15, 2020, 08:31:15 AM »

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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« Reply #541 on: April 16, 2020, 07:56:58 AM »

Mystery solved:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a liquor store, a doughnut shop, a taxi cab, a Subway restaurant, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
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« Reply #542 on: April 17, 2020, 07:14:46 AM »

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus .
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.
So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it?
I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
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« Reply #543 on: April 17, 2020, 07:16:21 AM »

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
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« Reply #544 on: April 19, 2020, 12:40:07 PM »

The teacher was testing the Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was,

"NO!" the children answered.

By now. of course, she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!"
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« Reply #545 on: April 19, 2020, 12:46:44 PM »

A few handwritten notices noticed while noticing:

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE RETURN IT OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
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« Reply #546 on: April 19, 2020, 03:04:35 PM »

Some good ones.   Applause E-Cred

At church:  "IF YOU ARE HERE FOR THE WEIGHT-WATCHERS MEETING, PLEASE USE DOUBLE DOORS."
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« Reply #547 on: April 20, 2020, 06:11:37 AM »

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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« Reply #548 on: April 20, 2020, 07:14:12 AM »

Murphy, one of the Murphy’s Laws, accidentally dropped a slice of
buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature
of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it
with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on
the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
buttered toast on the floor and then they flipped it over to confirm that
indeed the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan,

"dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It must be miracle.”

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to
the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round;
to interview you, take photos, etc."

After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the
final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in
Murphy's kitchen, Quite outside the natural laws of the universe.

Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No
Miracle'

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.
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« Reply #549 on: April 20, 2020, 07:17:53 AM »

I apologize in advance to our own lawyer... 


Quote
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says;
I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...
I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch' em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch' em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the sh*t out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh*t out of a lawyer,
there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase!"
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« Reply #550 on: April 20, 2020, 09:50:56 AM »

I apologize in advance to our own lawyer... 


Quote
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says;
I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...
I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch' em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch' em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the sh*t out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh*t out of a lawyer,
there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase!"

 Laughing Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #551 on: April 20, 2020, 11:25:56 AM »

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« Reply #552 on: April 21, 2020, 07:25:17 AM »

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
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« Reply #553 on: April 21, 2020, 07:30:23 AM »

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all
watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on
how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool
Whip on the side....
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart.
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home...
28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars
worth of improvement...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratchier
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hanging?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth
and you take them out to see what it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny
37. If your son or daughter attends Auburn University...
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« Reply #554 on: April 21, 2020, 08:08:00 AM »

Quote
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 Laughing Laughing Laughing
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