***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[2Stater]

Ok, I may be stretching the limit, but here goes:

For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek.

That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed rear! She told "BB" to look.

He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the heck is BOB?"

  Sorry. Couldn't resist it. It's one of my favorite jokes.

[Chechem]

Ok, I may be stretching the limit, but here goes:

For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek.

That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed rear! She told "BB" to look.

He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the heck is BOB?"

  Sorry. Couldn't resist it. It's one of my favorite jokes.

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

2 - I'm not sure if you chose that "stretching" intro on purpose, but that was the funniest part of it all

 

[2Stater]

2 - I'm not sure if you chose that "stretching" intro on purpose, but that was the funniest part of it all

 

 

[td57]

So, I just left Walmart. Honestly, it was shocking. They had no toilet paper at all so I headed to the customer service area. I asked if they had any. The attendant gave me a disgusting look and said, “NO.”
Walking back to the restrooms with my pants around my ankles, was a walk I never want to do again.

 

[td57]

Ok, I may be stretching the limit, but here goes:

For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek.

That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed rear! She told "BB" to look.

He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the heck is BOB?"

  Sorry. Couldn't resist it. It's one of my favorite jokes.

 

[N.AL-Tider]

New
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back
in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still,
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your
life!!!!! " Then POOF!.....she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the kitty willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T
SWING!!!!!"

[Chechem]

New
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back
in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still,
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your
life!!!!! " Then POOF!.....she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the kitty willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T
SWING!!!!!"

[N.AL-Tider]

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

[N.AL-Tider]

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"
"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"

[N.AL-Tider]

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[2Stater]

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother"

[N.AL-Tider]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[Chechem]

        The ship was sinking fast, but the crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts.  Finally, the crew started piling into the rafts.  When it got down to the last 3-man lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.  

        The Captain turned to his crew:  "I don't believe these stories about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to ask each of you one question.  Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
        The Captain addressed the first sailor, a Bama graduate: "What famous 'Unsinkable' ship went down after striking an iceburg?"  The Bama sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
        Then the Captain asked the second sailor, an Ole Miss grad:  "How many people went down with the Titanic?"  The Ole Miss sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
        Turning to the last sailor, an Aub, the Captain asked: "And what were their names?"

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