***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[pmull]

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

[N.AL-Tider]

A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,
“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman - every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman - he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”


𝐂𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲: “𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐤. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞.”

[pmull]

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the west side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first."
Bob jumped. Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled,
"Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"

Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
"I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"
He shouts at his friend. "I did..." Explained Bob, "but I landed head first!"

[N.AL-Tider]

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the west side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first."
Bob jumped. Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled,
"Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"

Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
"I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"
He shouts at his friend. "I did..." Explained Bob, "but I landed head first!"

So why didn't Bob just put the ladder back up for Dan to use instead of jumping into the manure too?   

I know, it's a joke and supposed to be funny. 

[N.AL-Tider]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.



He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"



The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZzA-pZIu1Q" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZzA-pZIu1Q</a>

[2Stater]

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the west side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first."
Bob jumped. Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled,
"Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"

Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
"I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"
He shouts at his friend. "I did..." Explained Bob, "but I landed head first!"

So why didn't Bob just put the ladder back up for Dan to use instead of jumping into the manure too?   

I know, it's a joke and supposed to be funny. 

They were both Auburn graduates.

[N.AL-Tider]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The business man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
“We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”
The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
“After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine business in this great city.

“Then, six months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”

[2Stater]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The business man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
“We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”
The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
“After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine business in this great city.

“Then, six months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”

  Self-made millionaire. And he did ok too. 

[pmull]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,” he tells the doctor, “when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

[2Stater]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,” he tells the doctor, “when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

 

[N.AL-Tider]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,” he tells the doctor, “when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

 

[Hannibal Lecter, MD]

That was a joke one of my old managers used to like to tell. 

[2Stater]

[ricky023]

Hey 2Stater I am back NALT called me. Bless this place. RTR!

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