***The Official CRS Joke Thread***

[Chechem]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

 He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

 Attendant: How may I help you?
 Old Man: Please fill it up.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

  Attendant: So, where are you heading?
 Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

 Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
 Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He said its good weather.

 Attendant: Where are you coming from?
 Old Man: We started our trip from State College.
 Old Lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He asked where we're from and I said State College.

 Attendant: I dated a girl from State College once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
 Old lady: What did he say?
 Old Man: [yelling]: He says he knows you.

[Chechem]

[N.AL-Tider]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

 The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!

 A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

 He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

 The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

 The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

 The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.

 Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

 The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

 Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

 The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

 The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

 He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."

 He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

 The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

 Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing- Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

[N.AL-Tider]

I'm not sure if this one belongs here in the "joke" thread or perhaps over in the President's Mansion for political discourse...  anyways...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
 How to live in a world that's politically correct?
 His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
 "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
 And labor conditions at the north pole
 Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
 Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
 Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
 And equal employment had made it quite clear
 That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
 So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
 Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
 The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
 The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
 And people had started to call for the cops
 When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
 Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite
 frightened.
 His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
 And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
 Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
 And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
 Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
 So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
 Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
 Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
 Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
 And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
 That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
 Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
 Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
 Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
 Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
 Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
 Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
 Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
 Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
 No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
 Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
 And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
 Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
 For they raised the hackles of those psychological
 Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
 No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
 Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
 Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
 And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
 So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
 He just could not figure out what to do next.
 He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
 But you've got to be careful with that word today.
 His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
 Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
 Something special was needed, a gift that he might
 Give to all without angering the left or the right.
 A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
 Each group of people, every religion;
 Every ethnicity, every hue,
 Everyone, everywhere...even you.
 So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
 "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

[2Stater]

[N.AL-Tider]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

 The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

 The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

 The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

 The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

 The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and in fact he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

 The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

 The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

 The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

 The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

 The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

 The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

 The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[2Stater]

Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[N.AL-Tider]

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
 send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[SUPERCOACH]

[Chechem]

[Chechem]

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
 send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[N.AL-Tider]

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: 'Didn't you say to the state trooper
 at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

 Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

 The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

 Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side



 by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

 By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

 Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

 Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'


 'Now wot da f#$k vud you say?

[N.AL-Tider]

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

 The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.

 He asks, "Are you Ok??"
 In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

 The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

 "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."


 Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn around."

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