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Author Topic: ***The Official CRS Joke Thread***  (Read 52315 times)
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« Reply #645 on: May 23, 2020, 11:19:06 AM »

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 Laughing Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #646 on: May 23, 2020, 12:26:54 PM »

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."
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« Reply #647 on: May 26, 2020, 05:22:12 AM »

Did you know?


1) More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread eaters!

2) Exactly half of all children who grow up in bread - eating households score in the bottom 50% on standardized IQ tests!

3) In the 19th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 55 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, scarlet fever, smallpox and influenza ravaged entire nations!

4) Statistics show that more than 75 % of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread!

5) Bread is made from a substance called "dough." Researchers have proven that as little as one pound of dough can choke a large animal like a horse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!

6) Bread is known to be extremely addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water actually begged for bread after just two days!

7) Bread is a "gateway" food item, which usually leads to such items as butter, jam, peanut butter and even ... bacon!

Cool Bread has been proven to kill. Scientists have now uncovered alarming evidence that 100% of the people who eat bread will eventually die!

9) Unattended newborn babies can choke on bread!

10) Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 425 degrees Fahrenheit! Donít laugh...that kind of heat can kill a full grown adult in less than five minutes.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2020, 05:24:50 AM by N.AL-Tider » Logged

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« Reply #648 on: May 26, 2020, 05:24:31 AM »

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Also, had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's my story, and we're sticking to it!
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« Reply #649 on: May 26, 2020, 05:26:51 AM »

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Also, had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's my story, and we're sticking to it!

 Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #650 on: May 27, 2020, 06:19:11 AM »

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


5. If all is not lost, then where is it?


6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.


7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.


8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.


9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.


16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..


17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
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« Reply #651 on: May 27, 2020, 07:57:10 AM »

Quote
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
  Laughing I resemble that remark.
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« Reply #652 on: May 27, 2020, 08:01:28 AM »

A MAN WAS DOING SOME YARD WORK. Meanwhile his wife was preparing to take a
shower. The husband couldn't find his rake and realized his wife had used it the day before and might know its whereabouts. Rather than take the time to walk back into the house and up the stairs, he stood below the master bath window and shouted,
"Honey, where's the rake?"

Sure enough, the wife heard his voice through the noise of her shower, stuck her head out of the shower door, and yelled in the direction of the bathroom window, "What?"
Realizing, however, that her husband's voice still wouldn't be audible, the wife stepped out of the shower, tiptoed to the window and leaned out. "What?" she called out again.

Figuring that there was no way, short of tearing his vocal cords, she was going to make out what he was asking, the husband had the brilliant idea of resorting to signals to convey his intentions. So, he first pointed to his eye, then his knee, and finally used his arms to make a raking motion.      ("eye - kneed - rake")

The wife watched this and made an "ok" sign with her thumb and forefinger.
Then she signalled back by first pointing to her eye, then to her left breast, then to her behind, and finally to her crotch.

Her husband watched this dumb show, shook his head, and turned his palms upward in a manner that conveyed he had no idea what she had just "said."
She repeated her signals, again to no avail. So the exasperated husband trudged into his house and up the stairs to the bathroom. "What the devil was that supposed to mean?" he growled at his wife.

His wife giggled and, repeating her signals for emphasis, replied,
"EYE - LEFT *IT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."
« Last Edit: May 27, 2020, 08:05:45 AM by 2Stater » Logged

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« Reply #653 on: May 27, 2020, 08:08:21 AM »

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1516 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,  and try to ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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« Reply #654 on: May 28, 2020, 05:49:20 AM »

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
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« Reply #655 on: May 28, 2020, 05:55:15 AM »

Some things to ponder...


1. Can you cry under water?

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

12. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

13. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

17. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

18. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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« Reply #656 on: May 28, 2020, 05:59:31 AM »

Good ones, NALT.   Applause E-Cred

Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway??
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« Reply #657 on: May 28, 2020, 06:11:36 AM »

No love for my two? 

Tough room. 
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« Reply #658 on: May 28, 2020, 06:23:29 AM »

No love for my two? 

Tough room. 
The one with the goose and bucket is an old one.  Still good though.  I like the one about the rake.  Now that right there was funny.  I don't care who you are, that's funny... Laughing
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« Reply #659 on: May 29, 2020, 04:34:26 AM »

No love for my two? 

Tough room. 
The one with the goose and bucket is an old one.  Still good though.  I like the one about the rake.  Now that right there was funny.  I don't care who you are, that's funny... Laughing

It's especially a "tough room" with an audience of two people!!   
Yes, the goose was an old one, but enjoyed it anyhow.  The bush I didn't see until now.   
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