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Author Topic: ***The Official CRS Joke Thread***  (Read 44955 times)
2Stater
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« Reply #495 on: April 04, 2020, 10:53:36 AM »

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« Reply #496 on: April 04, 2020, 11:08:25 AM »


Agreed.  Applause E-Cred
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« Reply #497 on: April 05, 2020, 08:33:16 AM »

> A few yearís ago there was this beautiful woman, who for all intention and purposes out of my league.when i asked if she wanted to go out said and i quote ďi would not touch you with a 10 foot poleĒ
> Well i saw her the other day and asked if she wanted to go out and her exact reply ďI would not touch you with a six foot poleĒ
> Seems things are going my way. Shaved four feet off the original ten feet.
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« Reply #498 on: April 05, 2020, 08:34:51 AM »

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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« Reply #499 on: April 05, 2020, 09:29:03 AM »

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Yeeeowwww!   
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« Reply #500 on: April 05, 2020, 12:38:24 PM »

A West Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on Rt. 19 about 2 miles north of Fayetteville, Wv. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from the southern part of the state got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the police car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, ďYou might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that sobriety test.Ē
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« Reply #501 on: April 05, 2020, 02:07:52 PM »

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« Reply #502 on: April 06, 2020, 09:22:24 AM »

When I woke up this morning, my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #503 on: April 06, 2020, 09:24:34 AM »

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digging b#@%h figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury!!!
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« Reply #504 on: April 06, 2020, 09:34:28 AM »

Teacher:  Little Johnny, where is your homework?
Little Johnny:  I had to wipe my butt with it!
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« Reply #505 on: April 06, 2020, 11:37:25 AM »

If this joke gets me put in time-out for posting "religious" jokes then I won't be back...


As a band of squirrels was a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.

The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.

Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.

They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.

They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #506 on: April 08, 2020, 09:24:56 AM »

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with
her
for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not
have
any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail
it
to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the

whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent

of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when
I
rented the apartment, I was under the

impression that;

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Check for
$250
with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful

apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,

there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding

the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you

don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the

landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact

your present landlady.
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #507 on: April 08, 2020, 09:26:27 AM »

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Great Grandpa, Will Johnston, walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

Will said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!


One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Will dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison,'You're 93 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, Will asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #508 on: April 08, 2020, 10:32:58 AM »

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Great Grandpa, Will Johnston, walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

Will said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!


One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Will dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison,'You're 93 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, Will asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
Laughing
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« Reply #509 on: April 08, 2020, 10:52:46 AM »

During a womanís medical examination, the British doctor says,ĒYour heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.Ē


The woman starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.


No no no, just stick out your tongue!?
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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