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Author Topic: ***The Official CRS Joke Thread***  (Read 17216 times)
Chechem
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« Reply #240 on: October 17, 2019, 03:40:38 PM »

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Laughing Laughing
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2Stater
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« Reply #241 on: October 18, 2019, 04:38:00 AM »

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."


Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!  Laughing Laughing Laughing
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SUPERCOACH
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« Reply #242 on: October 18, 2019, 10:30:10 AM »

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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"The same thing win, that always won... and we just have a different bunch of excuses if we lose"
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« Reply #243 on: October 21, 2019, 01:35:12 PM »

Whispering in the Library

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #244 on: October 21, 2019, 01:37:23 PM »

CHICKEN FARMER

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, The IRS
won't accept that. Let's try to rephrase it."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."
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"Play by play, thatís how we win here."

Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #245 on: October 21, 2019, 01:39:52 PM »

After 35yrs Of Boring Marriage, They Finally Go To A Counselor..

After 35 years of marriage, Chech and LF came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, she went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking LF to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as Chech watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Chech and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #246 on: October 21, 2019, 01:49:36 PM »

NALT has the funny today.  Laughing Laughing
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Hannibal Lecter, MD
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« Reply #247 on: October 21, 2019, 02:03:38 PM »

If you want a good joke, look at my record on the picks this year.
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Hannibal Lecter, MD
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« Reply #248 on: October 21, 2019, 02:05:01 PM »

After 35yrs Of Boring Marriage, They Finally Go To A Counselor..

After 35 years of marriage, Chech and LF came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, she went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking LF to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as Chech watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Chech and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Hahaha
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Chechem
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« Reply #249 on: October 21, 2019, 03:10:23 PM »

NALT has the funny today.  Laughing Laughing

Maybe you think so.  But I'm going fishing.   
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2Stater
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« Reply #250 on: October 21, 2019, 03:21:42 PM »

NALT has the funny today.  Laughing Laughing

Maybe you think so.  But I'm going fishing.   

Most likely for a new LF. 
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« Reply #251 on: October 21, 2019, 03:22:40 PM »

NALT has the funny today.  Laughing Laughing

Maybe you think so.  But I'm going fishing.   

Most likely for a new LF. 
Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
Chechem
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« Reply #252 on: October 21, 2019, 03:46:45 PM »

NALT has the funny today.  Laughing Laughing

Maybe you think so.  But I'm going fishing.   

Most likely for a new LF. 
Laughing Laughing Laughing

 Thinking                                  Be quiet please
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« Reply #253 on: October 21, 2019, 04:27:05 PM »

NALT has the funny today.  Laughing Laughing

Maybe you think so.  But I'm going fishing.   

Most likely for a new LF. 
Laughing Laughing Laughing

 Thinking                                  Be quiet please
   
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Eddie Jackson  Dec. 2016
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« Reply #254 on: October 26, 2019, 03:41:54 AM »

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