Crimson Red Sports

Whether it is inevitable or not that Texas A&M is going to join the SEC at some point is debatable. But there are some things about the conference that Aggies may want to know before they jump into the shark-infested waters. Call it an SEC primer.

1. We eat our young

You break the rules and we will turn you in. We will then leak the fact that we turned you in so our fans will know how clean we are. It's not that we're against breaking the rules. We're against other schools breaking the rules.

2. You think Texas fans are bad?

Then you've never been on Alabama, Auburn, Florida or Tennessee message boards. Put it this way — how many of your fans have ever poisoned a living thing because of a football game? Oh, and don't have the audacity to question us when we blast a national championship coach. It will get ugly.

3. We talk funny

It's not everyone and it's not just a Southern drawl. You will find it hard to believe that Arnold Arceneaux from Arcadia, Jim Bob Swiller from Opelika and Biff Paddington from Brentwood live in the same conference.

4. We have some great road games

Dudes, you won't believe Athens. Or the ribs in Knoxville. Or the night life in Nashville. Gainesville rocks on a football weekend like it's coming apart. I know, we have Starkville. You have Waco. It's a wash.

5. Our coaches are paranoid

Access is extremely limited unless you are paying the league $2 billion a year. Practices are closed and some coaches won't even give out scrimmage statistics. The coaches in this league get a little power drunk at times.

6. We expect you to try

It's a football league except at Kentucky and Vanderbilt. But we expect you to hold up the good name of the SEC in other sports as well. When we take a sport seriously (see: softball), we create elite teams. Come on in, but be prepared to put money into all of your sports.

7. We'll root for you

You join the SEC and just like that you have 12 new BFFs. When you play out of conference or in a bowl game, we'll be rooting for you. The SEC is like no other conference in its level of pride for the conference as a whole.

8. You will have to take tailgating to a new level

I've been to Austin. Had a great time tailgating. But it was tame compared to what you will see in this conference. Crab boils, live entertainment, rows of Jack Daniels bottles, the Grove, Calhoun's. It's different here.

9. We'll need a statue

It's expected around this league. Something great happens, you build a statue. So get your guy ready to sculpt when you win a few big SEC games. It's how we roll.

10. We are going to make fun of you

Sorry ahead of time, but it's just the way it is. SEC fans are the most passionate in the game and sometimes the taunts get mean. Toughen up your hides if you're going to come into this conference.

18. Auburn fans will molest your farm animals and dogs.

14. All SEC members are required to hate auburn and think they cheat.

15. On game days you will be required to get rid of about 50% of the ROTC men in uniforms and bring in HOT babes in sundresses.

And that includes auburn fans.....

19.  If you think having 1 big brother is bad, wait until you have about 6 or 8 daddies.

4. We have some great road games

Dudes, you won't believe Athens. Or the ribs in Knoxville. Or the night life in Nashville. Gainesville rocks on a football weekend like it's coming apart. I know, we have Starkville. You have Waco. It's a wash.

21.  WHEN you win your bowl game, especially if it is for the national championship, the chant is S-E-C!!!  S-E-C!!!  S-E-C!!!

Unless you are Auburn.  Evidently they are too good for that.  Or maybe they just have trouble spelling.

The latter, SC. They chant STD!!!  STD!!!  STD!!!.......

The latter, SC. They chant STD!!!  STD!!!  STD!!!.......

Actually 2, considering that it is the barn we are talking about, I think the actual chant is "P-I-G! P-I-G!"

22.  Get a real halftime band.

Look, your drum and bugle corps is tops.  But you're in the SEC now.  Add some babes with batons, babes with flags, and babes with sparkling swimsuits.  And put the babes in front of the army guys.