Crimson Red Sports

There once was ...



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Continue the story 3 words at a time.

this guy in.....

a straight jacket.

who kept escaping

the insane asylum.

He was not

really from Tuscaloosa,

but everyone there

thought he was.

 :tinfoil:

Turned out he....

actually was born

in a barn

on hay bales

somewhere in Kansas.

His mother was ...

wearing ruby red

rubber milking boots...

produced by Rubber....

-Maid of Wooster...

Massachusetts. Boots that

often smell bad.

When I first

saw his lanky

girlfriend, Cass Elliott,

she reminded me

of a skinny

Olive Oyl, who

Sioux and had

Lewis and Clark

singing her praises

because of her

excellent vision and

Ability to track

possums in the

backwoods of eastern

Australia without GPS,

without starlight, and

only a boomerang

and a slingshot.

Huge land tracts

belonged to her

nephew, Hughey Lewis

but no news

was more important

than hearing that

her big brother

won the lottery

She inherited nearly

nothing but chickens.

She was desperate

to escape the

cookie monster crumbs

but Bert and

her other brother

boarded a train

for Reno, Nv

but jumped train

at Lubbock before

clowns started arriving

and the Sheriff

impounded the clown

and sent Bert

to recover the

three hundred thousand

sacks of small

kittens and puppies.

Parents were outraged

when they received

drug test results

because of the

HGH found in

Mildred's corset.  Olympic

gold medalist, Michael

Phelps knew Mildred

would sneak them

into the lockerroom

and steal supplies

from Tanya Harding

before she could

lace her skates

and get away.

Meanwhile, Mildred's son

desired Tanya's attention

and stared at

her gorgeous ample

ankles at length

Until Mildred slapped

the living crap

out of his

face.  Frank stumbled

into the swamp

and immediately saw

Cajun critters galore

.  Frank managed to

ship the bed

after seeing two

used table lamps

buried in deep

greenside bunkers for

sale.  He grabbed

his trusty Colt

45 Malt Liquor

and chugged one

before he decided

to chug both

because he was

too sober for

Tanya's liking. So

after 3 more

malt liquors, he

fell off the

wagon.  Today he's

wagonless and hungover.

Easter found Frank

searching for solace

, staring up at

the North Star

which he mistook

for Venus rising

.  He collapsed into

a lawnchair near

a large lake

filled with catfish

alligators, and one

mean old hippopotamus.

... named Shankopotamus Rex.

Which, coincidentally, is

the favorite nickname

of my golf

buddy's ball track.

Meanwhile, back at

Kansas, Milly walked

Into the bar

carrying rebar, cantaloupes

and a huge

trebuchet with pumpkins

, bananas, two Hershey

Bars with almonds

, telephone pole, crowbar

kitchen sink, and

Frank's Buick Special.

Meanwhile, back at

home, Frank watched

Beverly Hillbilly reruns

drank Budweiser and

did shots of

Ed's imitation tequila

from dirty goblets

every time Ellie

said "Aw, Paw!"

or Jethro said, "

"Pass the vittles"

or "double naught"

in the cement

pond down by

Mr. Drysdale's sophisticated

outhouse with the

diamond-studded seat

Granny sat quietly

awaiting toilet paper

that never arrived

and dingleberries ensued

which was gross

And really uncomfortable

until she spotted

the corn cobs

and lye soap

lying just outside

Miss Jane's bedroom

.  Slowly Granny inched

to the door

shotgun in hand

nekked, peering around

looking for 'possums

or corncobs.  Suddenly

Jed came running

 Carrying his money

, $35,000,000, and goat

dressed in a

barner football jersey

and escorted by

Pat Dye, who

got liquored up

and lost his

lunch all over

$cam "Superdork" Newton

, Ellie's new boyfriend.

Seeing an opportunity

Slobber, the dog,

bit the "entertainer and icon"

(sorry I went over, I HAD to do it)

ripping off his

Left shoe and

right buttock.  "Lordie",

Miss Ellie said

"that buttock certainly...

must be tasty. 

Blood was everywhere

and Granny said

"Get my mop..."

Clorox, water and

a body bag."

I haven't seen

Granny's pale legs

but I've heard

She has tattoos

Clean up to

her whities.  Nobody

from Texas to Hollywood

has ever seen

her Elvis tattoo

on her left

buttock but that

was nothing compared

to the sizeable

and somewhat inappropriate

 :-X :popcorn2: :lol:

three emoticon tattoos

on her breast.

Jed screamed, "Somebody...

bring me some

Goose grease and

fried chicken livers.

, which Jed crammed

between her breasts

spilling $100 bills

like pennies from

Ellie's pink undies

that Granny made

from corn sacks.

A visual image

crossed Frank's mind:

"Call them Undercornies"

Perfect, everyone will

want fashionable Undercornies

especially with prints

of Ellie's likeness

on the crotch

These Undercornies would

chafe an armadillo

wearing kevlar armor 

.  Functionally chastity belts

are worthless, unless

Inspected regularly by

awkwardly mobile nerds

wearing blue gloves

purchased from Smurfs.

[paragraph]

Milly once visited

Undercornies manufacturing facility

in Tuscaloosa, where

the world champions

all knew Milly.

The reunion turned

ugly, when a

goat ate all

three packs of

designer Undercornies, that

Milly brought for

Ellie look alikes

, but butt-ugly

colors appealed to

color blind Munchkins

only.  Milly left

before anyone could

remind her that

slip was showing

so Frank jumped

off the cliff

and landed in

Gilligan's boat.  Ginger

swatted Frank with

a designer shoe

, while Maryanne kissed

Mr Howell in

the galley.  Milly

was jealous, so

she punched Thurston

in the galley

.  Milly jumped overboard

to save face

; however a shark

swallowed her in

then spit her

out like she

was a football.

Mildly grabbed Thurston's

wallet, which was

filled with hidden

football tickets and

hundred dollar bills.

Sit right back

in your deckchair

and enjoy the

grilled shrimp and

fruity libations.  It

will help you

remember those days

once you're as

smart as Jamos

, which we'll never

attain.  But Milly

didn't let that

alcohol influence her

to lose her

balance, but suddenly

she felt very

weird; LSD flashbacks

happening again because

seeing Jamos again

brought back strange

images of Jesus

sending Chech to

Find a donkey

swimming among dolphins

. Hallucinations are common

among Milly's friends

who were hippies

during the Sixties

, at Pop Festivals

where Janice Joplin

and Joe Cocker

sang outta key

but nobody cared

Because they were

stoned and drunk.

With a little

help from friends

The Grateful Dead

will get by

on Centrum Silver

until they can

swing through Colorado

for a toke

and a poke

, which means intercourse,

I just LOL'ed and startled Mrs 2.  :lol:

to some people

 :lol2:

who are hip

and full of

piss and vinegar

. But that didn't

deter Milly, whose

needs were different

; "Roll Tide", she'd

yell at the

Aubs humping goats

And the Corndogs

from Red Stick.

Meanwhile, back at

Milly's country store

a crowd had

become raucous when

the Bama football

players and cheerleaders

ordered pickled eggs

, which they threw

At the crowd.

Eggs were flying

fast and furiously

until Milly's chimpanzee

started a fight

 :stop:

no politics in this thread

with a cheerleader

famous for extreme

makeover makeup.  She'd

plastered Maybelline, all

over her eyes

and couldn't see

, plus globs of

mascara kept her

eyes glued shut.

The chimpanzee laughed

and starting throwing

false eyelashes at

the crowd, but

raining eyelashes didn't

deter mob mentality.

Meanwhile, in Baltimore

Thugs looted and

prayed for peace.

Bi-polar Baltimore protesters

Torched CVS and

and drank slushies

; Milly'd moved west

to get away

and seek fortune

in false eyelashes

and silver mining

Fortunately for Milly

her mine produced

bucketloads of silver

which she used

to buy more

land, cattle, goats

and a Jeep.

The jeep glistened

with metal flake

, silver seats, dashboard,

and car bling

.  The horn blared

a one-note song

that sounded like

goats imitating toucans

or barner cheering

loudly "We'rrrrr Heeeeegal"

. That made people

gather, arguing and

fighting over the

goatlike horn blast.

Bama fans, however,

celebrated with beer

and crystal trophies

stacked atop statues

representing the great

 Coaches and players

of "Alabama Dynasty"

plus one Aub:

to laugh at

, including his monobrow

buck tooth and

dirty fingernails.  Milly

held her nose

, made a fist,

and hit the

Aub squarely on

goat kissing mouth.

Aub spit teeth,

and goat  :-X

droppings three feet.

long and green

a giant snake

with orange spots

slithered near the

Edge of the

crowd.  "Muccason", screamed

the scared little

bloody Aub, who

peed his pants.

Everyone laughed, except



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd2EEJuMwuk

 :lol:

and his goat

"Everyone laughed, except and his goat"??   :dunno:


vomited on him

 :lol2: Got ahead of myself.

and brayed like

Lou Holtz after

a Notre Dame

98-0 loss to

Bama's second string

dressed without pads

,in South Bend

with midwest referees

, without REC present

, Bama coaches absent

and no cheerleaders.

Lou melted down

slobbered himself, then

Gave Mark May

a worshipful bow.  

 :worship: :worship: :worship:

Mark laughed heartily

, yelled "ROLL TIDE",

and mussed Lou's

new goat beard.

Lou screamed "Thcrew

de Fite-seng Ireeeesh",

and slapped Reece

, who punched Lou

in his goat

-humping groin.  Milly

was amused by

Lou, but preferred

the lure of

the wild west.

Lou and Milly

Loaded the truck

with fireworks from

Wile E. Coyote's

stash, headed west

and blew up

cherry bombs thrown

from Lou's bra

toward orange tractors

loaded with marijuana

.  "Bravo", Milly yelled

As she lit

a Roman Candle.

Unfortunately, it caught

Lou's bra afire

inciting him to

strip and streak


 :o

, shouting "Thit, thit!"

, "Schon a Bisch",

then stopped, dropped

dead as a

Ferguson Poster's Convention.

Millie was devastated

, and cried like

A whipped dog

, with a toothache.

"I've never seen

anything more pitiful

than that in

a coon's age.

The onlookers laughed

As Millie packed

her bags and

jumped aboard the

Atcheson, Topeka, & Santa Fe

onward toward Nevada

to meet Hoss

Cartwright, her secret



(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x9/blackcanary2000/hoss2.jpg)

lover and soul

, she also packed

her Colt 45, Winchester

and her trusty

straight razor. Then

asked Hoss to

lead the way

to the Ponderosa

Tragedy soon struck

when Millie fell

headlong into a

bottomless tar pit

Luckily, a tree

branch was hanging

just within reach

, and she pulled

her lasso quickly

and roped the

mountain goat horns

that safely pulled

her back upslope

to dry ground.

Exhausted from her

harrowing ordeal, she

slept fitfully for

three straight days

until a thunderstorm

woke her up

when lightning hit

next to her.

"Mein Gott", Millie

, Hoss said. That

lightning curled your

toes and straightened

your crooked nose.

"Oh my!", she

cried. How will

I ever be

 able to face

my handsome Chechem?"




 :)

Sigh.  "The End...







sorry 'bout that   :-[

Is Near" said

said Hoss as

a fairy appeared.

It's Richard Simmons

, that tiny dwarf ...

he will lead

Millie and Hoss

in mild exercise

under the stars

, with "Dancing to

Lose Weight", despite

Simmons perpetually trying

to hit on

:lol: :rofl:  :lol2:  :worship:

Back to the story:

Hoss after each

leaping squat. Hoss

was aghast because

Richard was persistent

, until Millie punched

the little priss

smack dab in

his big mouth

knocking out a

couple of teeth

Simmons leaped to

try and escape

Then Bruce Jenner

, Caitlyn's alter ego,

DIED (fortunately).  Meanwhile,

 :lol:

back at the

Millie remembered her

cake in the

car.  The heat

melted the icing

and spoiled the

CNS statue atop

the Crimson velvet

enema bag hose 

Um, I'm baffled

cried Millie. "How

Will I deliver

this miserable cake

to Coach Saban

without his statue

, albeit small anyhow?"

"Hey, I know

three other ways

to git'r done"

1. Could camp out ...


(http://followinginmyshoes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/camping-with-bears.jpg)

2. Could surf fish......

(http://vbsf.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/surf_casting.jpg)

3. Violate fishing policies ...

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 :lol: :lol: :lol:

"But instead, I'll

list my favorite

national park activities.

Which I've done.

Or I could

climb up Mount

Shasta and bare

myself over Siskiyou

, or maybe not

without first whipping


(http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2015-04/4/17/enhanced/webdr07/anigif_original-grid-image-8280-1428182558-10.gif)

sissy Richard Simmons

with cooked cauliflower.

 :dunno:

and limp asparagus

with white sauce

and brown gravy

Ebony and ivory

is an old

bar in Denver

where medical marijuana

and cowboy hats

are the preferred

ways to attract

the intoxicated ladies.

Millie entered the

bar already intoxicated

which disappointed Hoss

until she dropped

her pantaloons, in

a scandalous display

of come hitherness

seldom seen in

a western woman

of modest upbringing.

Hoss got excited

when a cowboy

told Millie to

'kiss his horse'

right on his

tatoo (i.e., rump brand).

fine clean spot
rtr!

. Millie took delight

and planted a

big sloppy kiss

before being slapped

, on the bartender's

right lay a

bottle of fine

French brandy with

an enormous cork

which he popped.

Hoss ducked because

standing behind Millie

was Richard Simmons

I thought you

gone somewhere else

you SOB, so

eat cork and

wear this brandy

kiss my a**!

. Simmons told him

to start behaving

like an adult

Hoss saddled his

donkey (Sally) and

and headed to

Las Vegas to try

his luck at

3-Card Monte

. When he arrived

Wayne Newton spied

him crying over

A broken tooth

that was hit

by a silver

bullet fired from

a long dark

spooky looking sniper

Shaken, Hoss grabbed

a brass spittoon

slammed Newton, grabbed

a pretty girl

that slapped him

in the face

and kissed her.

She was so

overcome with passion

she kissed his

brass spittoon.  :dunno:

Meanwhile,

Millie was wondering

Is this real

will we marry

or will he

marry Richard Simmons?

But that was

the last thought

before she ran

into her 'ex',

who was holding

a loaded gun.

She begged him

just before he

pointed the gun

and shot himself.

"Good shot!", Millie

Yelled as she

kicked his body

off the trail.

Another one bites

dust", says Millie.

She giggled and

tousled her hair.

In the distance

there was a

new Waffle House

open 24 hours

except for Christmas

, when they closed

because the cook

ruined all the

merriment by cooking

cooking while drunk

Waffles and bacon

in spoiled grease

were quickly served

to unsuspecting patrons

, and the wretched

Aubs ate it

thinking it was

Manna from heaven

, when in fact

it was foul

, rancid, rotten, and

seemed normal because

Aubs always eat

boogers and outdated

grool. Meanwhile, Hoss

grilled a T-Bone

stolen from the

Ponderosa Steak House

in Bridger, Montana.

He wasn't bothered

up the creek
RTR!

by the bears

that only wanted

to sniff his

Who are you?
RTR!

to sniff his who are you?  :think:

"I'm the guy

that shot Liberty

Dubose in the

men's room at

the Biltmore Estate"

That murder was

listed as a

misdemeanor, because he

deserved being shot!

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tOCepG57jhc/TlOE3wwPIKI/AAAAAAAABPA/5sMP-XkVHqo/s1600/Paragraph.jpg)

Millie was born

in Ramer, Alabama

in the backseat

of an Edsel

The birth was

quick, thanks to

Dr. Quinn,Medicine

Quickie. She was

immediately pregnant again

thanks to a

yet another Quickie

and forgotten prophylactic

Hoss was puzzled

as usual and

Millie ate pickles

and homemade ice

cream with tabasco

that made her

 Horny as hell

and hot too

.  Millie's a doll,

with the morals

of Mother Teresa.

JESUS the Christ
RTR!

is her favorite

response when excited

, which was often

after the Tobasco.

Hoss likes Tobasco

on everything, including

strawberry ice cream

with peanut butter

and beet juice

But Millie flourished

after dark when

the bats, opossums

and racoons started

their nightly hunt

for large grubs

which made Millie

excited as ever

, horny, and hungry.

Millie was popular

with gold miners,

with no teeth

but deep pockets

, and they flocked

like sheep to

Millie's new house

for beer and

chocolate covered pretzels

, or a nap

since they were

usually exhausted from

mining Millie's gold

and her gems.

Happy miners were

rewarded with a

taco supreme from

Walmart's frozen foods

But Millie secretly

smoked pot behind

her father's bookstore

which made her

read Harry Potter

short stories and

Batman comics.  Romance

blossomed under the

dead Toomers trees

as Hoss prospered

by manufacturing women's

underwear, such as

over-shoulder undercoveralls

, his wealth became

legendary.  Millie's attraction

to Hoss was

based primarily on

her assumption that

"THE BEST MEN ...

wear ten-gallon hats.

Hoss' is 14

inches tall, reminiscent


(http://cowboylands.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Tom_Doniphon-John-Wayne.jpg)

of Abraham Lincoln

(https://media.licdn.com/mpr/mpr/p/5/005/08d/02a/1794d6f.jpg)

without his hat

But their love

grew as Hoss'

huge bank account

skyrocketed with sales

so they bought

the local bank

but Jesse James

robbed the bank

which left Hoss

penniless, so Millie

took to the

Dance hall where

Frankie and Johnny

were lovers.  Lordy

what a soiree

was there nightly.

Millie's dance card

had bullet holes

from Frankie's attack

, but she scored

235 bowling during

tournament play, and

won $10,000 and

a brand new

pair of big

Hooters posters with

two owls atop

, winking at Jamos

who responded by

buying a round

of sarsaparilla sodas

for everybody present.

After the sarsaparillas,

Jamos became very

sleepy, so Millie

tucked him in

, kissed him gently,

and said goodnight.

Lurking in the

shadows was a

mad dish washer

holding poisoned Dawn

who was dead

tired from running

 Up the mountain

to reach a

summit that only

reached 7205' height.

She easily reached

into Hoss's wallet

and pulled out

Five Thousand Dollars

in Confederate currency. 

We are rich

she said and

danced a gavotte

, that everybody saw

Beautifully captured her

mirror image in

a mud puddle

next to her.

Hoss was laughing

The Donkey spoke
RTR!

highly about Millie

and Donald Trump

and Mexico because

she is confused

(as am I)

 :dunno: :dunno: :dunno: :dunno: :dunno:

. Hoss is confused

, Millie looks great,

and the cowboys

are drunk again.

Hoss walked in

a pile of

jello chocolate pudding

Covered with Cool

Whip from Jamaica

the home of

some fast Jamaicans

smuggling rum and

sprinting past everyone

, without getting caught.

A perfect opportunity

for Millie to

Escape Hoss and

travel east to

Cattle Creek, Colorado

and grow marjahootchie

A pastoral life

followed for Millie,

until she saw

unfortunately for Hoss

Little Joe riding

a big untamed

camel, heading for

Tombstone, Arizona where

Millie necessarily followed.

He didn't know
RTR!

she wanted to

play patty cake

with his ex-wife

who loved him
RTR!

, but wouldn't commit

because she secretly

wanted to play

"selfies" with bison.

But danger lurked

everywhere she went

because she always

took chances with

pungent smegma remnants.

Having said that

She guffawed heartily

when Hoss joked

about her remnants

and gently stroked

his horse while

Millie pulled teeth

and drank whiskey

behind the Saloon.

Where he slept
RTR!

was not important

because he was

not used to

sleeping more than

once a week.

On the other hand,

Hoss loved Millie

like a horse

, a good dog,

and his Colt .45

malt liquor. Hoss

wanted children but

a rodeo accident

took away his

left big toe.

This caused impotence

especially when he

stood tiptoe or

back to back

with buxom women

, that intimidate him.

He still could